Thursday’s Journal Draft
(I Drafted this up on Thursday and today I thought, what the heck, I might as well post two today…)
It’s 7:30am Aus Melbourne time on a cold, winter Thursday morning. I’ve only had about 4 hrs sleep and I’ve spent most of the night trying to ignore my hubby, my negative thoughts and searching frantically for my medium low grade oil pastels…..
(Will input more on that later…)
For what feels like the millionth time this month, my husband has yet again broken my heart with his many complaints that I don’t look after the baby well enough, spend too much time online and not looking after the house and my wifely chores……..
Suddenly while reading more blogs and website information on how to make money from home and online, a thought popped into my head about why I’ve been so unhappy lately.
For the past few weeks my hubby and I have been hashing it out trying to figure out why my symptoms have started up again so strong. My husbands convinced that he looks after me perfectly and that there’s absolutely no reason for me to be depressed. What he still hasn’t gotten into his head is that I’m suffering with and fighting a disease that is simply not curable and that I just have to fight it for the rest of my life.
He still thinks like my Mum, that there should be a simple answer to “fixing” me. He can’t understand or handle why I’m so different from the person he first fell in love with. What he hasn’t accepted yet is that I was on medications when we met and dated. Although I am the same person, my emotions and behaviour won’t be the same again until I’m back on the medications and therapy.
My husband and Mother both think that because I coped fairly well during the time I was off my medications while we had our baby, it means that I’m able to cope completely fine without medications. They see my last year without medications as evidence that I’m not as ill as I keep telling them.
My husband works long shifts, he hasn’t seen me in my depressive, hypomania or mixed emotional states…. All when sees and recognises are my depressive symptoms, he didn’t even see the problem with my chocolate induced hypomania the other night.
I think the normal stress, hormonal and emotional ups and downs of pregnancy and birth hid my continuing symptoms from my husband and Mum. Our marriage has had shocks and troubles from the very beginning, so my husband only has our fun dating time to compare to.
Both our relationship and I have had some emotional knocks and bruises, both my husband and I are only just coming to terms with the fact that nothing in our relationship is what either of us expected….
What’s bothering me mainly at the moment with our relationship, is that because I’m not at a good emotional and mental level, I’m completely unable to know when to let things go. My chaotically busy mind is unable to relax enough to know the difference between the actual important topics from the crap in life that aught to be left to flush down the toilet or drain pipes….
I’ll let you in more on what I mean by this in my next post, “Letting go, or sticky toffee…”